Monday, January 30, 2012

The Good Old Days

it was a simpler time
we didn’t have cell phones
or the internet
we got our exercise
running from the bullies
who had to confront us face to face

we played outside
and breathed fresh air
then went back inside
to breathe second hand smoke
everybody smoked back then,
even the doctors who let us play with mercury

we had plenty of energy
from the dyed, sugary, breakfast cereals
with sweet surprises
that were “Magically Delicious”
and we drank Tang

moms liked doing dishes back then
because the dish washing liquid made their hands soft
they wore dresses and smiled
vacuum cleaners had just been invented
so women actually enjoyed housework

our school desks were made in the USA
from sturdy American hardwood
strong enough to hide under
in case the Communists
decided to drop an atomic bomb on us

we collected pennies
to feed the poor children
who were starving by the thousands
in Third World, under-developed countries
while in our First World, over-developed country
children starved alone, just one or two at a time

political correctness wasn’t popular yet
it was still okay to make fun of fat people
and the Blacks were just beginning to start trouble
so we put them on busses
and tried to mix them in with the rest of society

we were at war with the Soviet Union
but it was a “Cold War”
which meant that whatever country
won the race to get to the moon would win
and the other country had to disband
it wasn’t even close
we beat the Commies by over 238 thousand miles

it was a simpler time

Friday, January 27, 2012


the robot invasion
we waited for
so many years ago
while wearing our Dick Tracy decoder rings
has arrived
but I have no way to contact you without tipping them off

as we were watching for armies of large steel men
shooting lasers from their eyes
the clever little bastards slipped
Androids disguised as cell phones into our pockets
keeping track of where we’ve been
and what we’ve bought
and who we were with

they ingeniously distracted us
with innocent games of chance
or killing zombies
or angry birds

while we text and tweet and photograph it all
becoming increasingly dependent on these machines
still desperately trying to remain human,
they are getting into our bank accounts,
our medical records and mapping where we live

so I enter my observations into this mindless device
and send them off to strangers
hoping someone out there
still has a Dick Tracy decoder ring

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Reality TV - (That’s Entertainment)

American Choppers
Wife Swappers
Gold Miners
Jersey Shores
Storage Wars

bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do?
bidding on people’s misfortune and broken dreams
so, are you looking to pawn it or sell it?

Swamp Loggers
Lady Hoggers
Base Jumpers
Bible Thumpers
Big Shrimpin’
Ride Pimpin’

while men with few teeth fight over logs
and men with fewer teeth catch alligators
and celebrities go to rehab

Pumpkin Chucking
Ice Road Trucking
Drag Queens
Pregnant Teens
Extreme Hoarders

I had no idea I was even pregnant....
moms dress their toddlers like little hookers
and scream at them to smile
real housewives call each other whores
and pull each other's hair

Saving Lives
Sister Wives
Giant Tumors
Hollywood Rumors
New Inventions

the B-listers and has-beens compete at dancing
folks with talent or so they think
compete for the chance to become celebrities
while the real celebrities go to rehab

House Flippers
Vegas Strippers
Dream Vacations
I Shouldn’t Be Alive
Diners, Drive-ins and Dives

out at sea they fight with the weather and each other
for crabs
or shrimp
or salmon

Road Rules
Family Jewels
Kate Plus Eight
Beyond Scared Straight
Say Yes to the Dress
Iron Chef

one enormous pile of crap makes you a hoarder
multiple piles of crap makes you a collector
one piece of crap at a time makes you a picker
and celebrities go back to rehab